my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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