he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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