This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
