New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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