I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
