Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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