so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
