gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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