hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
