angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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