I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
one might say we're banned from that church
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
