At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
