im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
