I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just pee around me
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
