Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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