She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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