Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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