I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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