Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
