I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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