I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
