She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
