you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
