You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
we have officially lost it.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
