ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
