oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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