I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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