but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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