so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
