I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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