Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
