if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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