I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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