She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
As shirtless as possible
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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