Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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