I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
