Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
