I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
