I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
