He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
