Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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