I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
