i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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