i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
