I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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