I could have mohawked her pubes.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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