I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
