Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
