I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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