Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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