I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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